Oh Baby Poo!
by Scarlet'sLetter
Summary: Something goes horribly wrong when Lissa stakes Dimitri. instead of twenty five year old Damphir, we have...a baby? (Warning - Profanity is used)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

I know that some of you may be startled to see this story again. I'm going to get to the point - This isn't a blatant copy of the previous "Oh Baby Poo"  
To those of you who haven't read the story, well, it existed under a different author - MyEvilHead. Which happened to be me. I deleted all the stories of that account for a very stupid reason. I also changed the name and picture (one of those dead cartoon faces)

Long story short, this is still my own story, my own idea.

This is set in Spirit Bound, during the staking. I'm working with my memory since I don't have the book, so it's not in detail and I'm sorry if I've got anything wrong.

Also, the story is meant to be humourous, but I know this chapter isn't particularly funny. I'm not very good at starting things funny, so I promise that the following chapters will be funnier than this one.

Enjoy! :)

* * *

When you're in battle, when you're fighting to protect lives from the most monstrous,powerful creatures walking the earth, you can't afford to be distracted. Guardians are trained to be focused. It's like we have a horse's blinders on. We have one goal – kill the enemy.

They come first.

So when you're focused on killing the enemy standing right in front of you, you tend to not notice some things. Like your best friend and her boyfriend -who, under normal circumstances, are not supposed to be a threat -sneaking up to tackle _you _so that you don't kill your ex-boyfriend. Who is your enemy.

Yes, that's messed up. I know.

So there I stood, outside a ring of fire -_damn you Ozera-_ watching helplessy as my gentle, sweet Lissa -_what the hell was wrong with her?- _faced my achingly beautiful and utterly terrifying Dimitri with blazing determination. And when Lissa finally managed to pierce Dimitri's heart with her stake, I was paralysed. Partly because I couldn't believe she did it and because her magic froze me.

I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. My senses fizzled as magic shone – literally _shone. _The room was filled with light, a light so bright that it felt like a thousand suns were stuffed into this very room.

And poof.

It was gone. Just like that. I moaned and squeezed my eyes shut. My eyes burned and my head _hurt._ After I assured myself that I wasn't blind, I realized that something else was gone.

Dimitri.

My heart stopped beating. His duster lay abandoned amidst the smoke and char.

I couldn't breathe.

"He's gone," I croaked. "Rose," Christian whispered, voice hoarse.

"He's gone." I sank to my knees, my eyes fixed on that duster. It backfired. Instead of restoring him, it must of reduced him to ash. He was gone.

"Rose." Christian was shaking me now. Hard

"He's really gone. He's dead." My hand trembled as I reached for his coat.

"ROSE. He...he's not dead!"

"He's never coming ba-wait _what?"_ I looked at Christian in disbelief. I scanned the room, looking for his tall frame. His warm brown eyes, no longer ringed in red. His beautiful smile. And then my eyes landed on Lissa.

She was bruised, battered and wounded. And yet, she had the most beautiful smile ever seen on her face. She glowed with happiness as she cradled something, hiding it from view.

I rose unsteadily and inched towards her, not particularly trusting my balance and co-ordination right now.

And when I saw what the thing was I couldn't believe my eyes.

A baby.

_What the fuck?_

Christian smacked my shoulder. "Language!"

I didn't realize I'd said that out loud. Lissa looked up as I approached and her smile –as impossible as it seemed – grew wider. She hadn't heard me. Thank God.

"Liss," I whispered, sitting beside her. _Impossible._ "Liss, what is-"

"Rose," she cut me off gently. "Meet Dimitri."

* * *

Ridicuously short. I other chapters will definitely be funnier. And longer.

Okay, a quick poll.

I was thinking about making Dimitri do the Renesmee. The super fast growth thing (otherwise, his relationship would just be awkward with Rose-you think 7 years is huge? Try 18.)

I have two options.

A) Let him have his memory. He's just in a new body, but he remembers everything.

B) He's a real baby. I mean, with no memory of anything.

I'm mostly going to be going with A but my friend thinks B would be a lot funnier. Which is actually true. Because I found Renesmee a little creepy with her advanced mind in such a small body. So let me know what you think! If many of you want it, I'll go with B. (But it would be pretty awkward. Unless his memory came to him slowly or something. Think about it, and let me know!:)


	2. Chapter 2

"Dimitri," I repeated dumbly. "But how…how is that even possible?" Lissa merely shrugged before she returned to stroking his hair.

"Liss," Christian warned, laying a hand on her shoulder. His eyes narrowed at something behind me. I turned around.

I'd forgotten that there were Strigoi in the room. The guardians were taking care of them, but roughly seven of them stood behind me. And suddenly, they were on us. Two of them restrained me and Christian while the others tried to separate Lissa from Dimitri. She screamed like a banshee – an ear piercing sound I thought I'd never hear from any living being. She made a few feeble attempts to fight them off, but mostly tried to hide the baby from them. She was, however, outmatched. When the guardians finally pried them apart, Dimitri woke up –_about time_– and began to wail. The guardian who held him flinched, and with an expression of utter revulsion, dropped him.

The moron dropped a _baby._

I have never moved so fast before.

I broke free from my captor with a punch to his face and made a dive that would have made my volley ball instructor (if I had one) proud. I snatched Dimitri out of the air, my arms wrapped protectively around him as I rolled to a halt.

Dimitri stopped crying the second I'd caught him, and was now looking at me with wonder in him warm chocolaty eyes.

I never thought I'd hold him again.

Then again, I never thought I'd hold a baby Dimitri. Ever.

The guardians surrounded me before I was up, their stakes drawn. I rose slowly, holding Dimitri close. "He's not Strigoi," I said calmly. Surely they could see that. I mean, it was a _baby_ for crying out loud! I said just as much, but they made no move to lower their stakes. Lissa and Christian joined in and defended me, but the guardians were still doubtful, and regarded Dimitri with an air of mistrust.

_Would they really kill a child?_

"Look," I said, frustration seeping into my voice. "His head has been resting on my shoulder, just inches away from my neck. And he hasn't bitten me." I turned my head to the side, jostling Dimitri ever so slightly. He'd fallen asleep again and barely stirred as I moved him. My bite free neck was clearly visible, and Dimitri didn't seem to be on the verge of sleep bititng me either.

When they _still_ didn't let their guard down, not even a litte, Lissa just stared at them, increduluous. "Are you really going to stake a _baby?"_

They looked at each other uncomfortably. Finally, Hans stepped forward. "He…it hasn't made any threatening moves, but as far as we know, this could be a new weapon."

Christian let out a humourless laugh. "Oh, so he's _it_ now huh?" Hans ignored him, but my respect for Christian grew tenfold.

"You know what?" I whirled around to look at Hans. "I don't care if you don't trust him. I do. He's a helpless baby, and there is no way in hell I'm letting any one of you," I said, pointing an accusing finger at the guardians, "touch him again."

"Hathaway-"

"One of them dropped him!" I cried. "He fucking _dropped a_ _baby_. There is no way I'm handing him over to any of you again!" You, me. Us, them. I was now turning against my own people.

"Hathaway," Hans growled. "You are out of line." He turned to Lissa. "Princess." Hans' voice was firm. "It is a threat to you. You have to leave. This…problem will be taken care of."

Lissa met Han's gaze coolly. With an incredible amount of composure I could never even dream of having, she said, " _He_ is neither a threat nor a problem. And unless you wish to defy the orders of a royal, I suggest you lead the four of us outside. _Together_." Even though her voice was decpetively calm, I could sense the undercurrent of fury she felt at the thought of any harm coming to this baby.

Hans' head was shaking before she was done. "I'm afraid I cannot do that. Hathaway will travel separately," he said, glaring at me, "to discuss the consequences of her actions. The ba- _it_ will be taken away."

Lissa's voice was icy. "You will do no such thing." It was clear this wasn't a request, but an order. And even though our bond was fried, I knew she wasn't using an ounce of compulsion.

And that was what scared me the most. She was terrifying.

"You will let us travel together, and no harm will come to the child until we can discuss this in civil manner," she continued. "Rose will not be punished. You can travel with us yourself, in case the baby goes rabid, " The last part was dripping with sarcasm.

Hans eyes hardened, and for a second, I thought he was going to hit someone. After an incredibly long pause, he gave her a curt nod.

"Hathaway will carry it, and I will accompany her at the back. The Moroi will be seated in the middle with a guardian, and two more in the front." He looked at us, daring us to question his order. When Lissa finally nodded, he was at my side instantly.

"Move, Hathaway," he said gruffly.

"Would you really kill him?" I asked after a moment of silence. "Kill an innocent baby? He isn't even Strigoi."

Hans didn't break stride. "I willdo anything to protect the Moroi." He paused. "And I don't know - or care about your relationship with your mentor." I knew he didn't mean it in _that_ way, but I couldn't help but be shocked when he said it. "But I'm disappointed in you, Hathaway."

I didn't meet his stare. From the corner of my eye, I saw his gaze shift to Dimitri.

When he thought I wasn't looking, he shuddered, ever so slightly.

* * *

I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. R&R!


	3. Chapter 3

The second we'd returned to the Court, Hans marched us straight to the Queen. It was almost noon, and even though the place was pretty much deserted, he insisted on covering Dimitri with a coat. I knew this was necessary – a baby in the presence of guardians who had just returned from a major Strigoi raid would attract unwanted attention. So we had tried to maintain a low profile and hoped that no one would see us.

Oh well. We did hope.

The first person we ran into was a guardian. Hans managed to scare him off.

And then we ran into Adrian.

The second I saw him, I knew it was a lost cause to cover Dimitri up. So I let the coat fall. Hans looked like he was going to stake me, but Lissa explained the concept of auras while Adrian stared at Dimitri with utter confusion.

"That…that's _him? Belikov?_" he asked. His disbelief was almost comical.

"You can see his aura," I said wearily. "You know it's him." As adorable as Dimitri was, he was definitely not a small kid. He had to weigh at least 10 pounds, and my muscles ached after carrying him for so long. Adrian's presence didn't help. Dimitri grew strangely excited on seeing the Moroi, and began squirming in my arms. If it was anyone else, I _might_ have dropped him. Kids were definitely not in my future.

Adrian stepped closer and peered at Dimitri. He wiggled a finger in front of the baby's face. "Does he bite?"

I rolled my eyes and kicked him lightly in the shin. Adrian laughed as Dimitri made lightning moves to grab his finger. And when he was close enough, Dimitri grabbed his hair instead and began tugging on it happily.

"Either he really likes you," Christian said from behind me, "Or he's trying to rip your head off."

And suddenly, Hans was there, shoving me away from Adrian.

"Hathaway," he growled. "I may let you hold that thing, but don't even _think _of allowing it to touch a Moroi."

I stumbled bakwards, nearly falling off my feet. Christian reached out to steady me, but Hans swatted his hand away.

"Would you stop doing that?" He was really starting to piss me off now. "He was just playing!"

Hans lost it.

"Stop doing what, Hathaway?" he roared. "Stop trying to protect the Moroi? And don't tell me that he's just a harmless baby because _you. Don't. Know_." Each syllable was accompanied by a finger jab. "So what if his eyes aren't ringed in red, or that he can stay in the sun? We _don't_ know what he's capable of, and we sure as hell don't know if he isn't even a little bit Strigoi! We don't know if he remembers his damphir life or his Strigoi life or any life at all! Neither of us do, so excuse me for being a little too cautious."

I couldn't speak.

Hans took a deep breath, and although he seemed to be calmer, his intensity didn't decrease. "My job is to protect the Moroi. If anything happens, to them, it's on me, not you. And I didn't know Belikov as well as you did, but I did know that he was a good teacher. But if you're this trusting, I'm afraid my expectations were a little too high."

I found my voice. "Don't you _dare_ question his teaching." My voice was low and furious.

"Why shouldn't I?" Hans demanded. "If he was a good mentor, he would have taught you to remain detached in any situation related to Strigoi. They're not the the same person once they turn Strigoi, we can't know if they're the same person once they turn back._ Because it has never happened before_."

"I've told you, it has," Lissa said, frustrated.

Hans whirled around to face her. "I've heard what you've had to say, Princess, but the man who was restored before did _not_ turn into a _baby_." His scorn was almost palpable. He turned back to face me. "And if you don't want me to blame Belikov for your behaviour, then blame yourself. You're not as good as he'd said you were."

* * *

Tatiana's scrutiny was making me nervous.

After Hans' outburst, I didn't think I was capable of feeling anything but shame. All this time, I'd been cursing him for being such a colossal asshat when it was really me who was being insensitive. The guardians had all reason to be distrustful of Dimitri. If it was some other guardian instead of Dimitri, I'd be cautious too. And Hans was right. I was letting my emotions cloud my judgement. What if something had happened to Lissa? I'd never be able to live with myself. But that wasn't an excuse to treat him like a pariah either. And I've always thought that Strigoi spawn would literally be a living nightmare. But Dimitri was the quietest baby I'd ever seen.

What if he did remember his old life? Or did he only remember his Strigoi life?Did he remember St Petersburg or the cabin?

I hope he didn't. That would be _so _awkward. I felt like a pedophile.

"Guardian Hathaway, I'm waiting for an answer."

Tatiana's tense voice snapped me out of my reverie. "What?" I saw Lissa shoot me a warning look. I bowed my head. "I'm sorry, your Majesty."

"I said, do you have anything else to contribute? Vasilisa and Mr. Ozera,"she gestured to them, "have been the only ones speaking."

I didn't exactly keep up with the conversation. I didn't think she had either, since she was looking at Dimitri the whole time. I shook my head. Her gaze pierced me for what seemed like an eternity. "Very well," Tatiana said finally, standing up. "I must consult with my advisors. This situation…" she trailed off, shaking her head. Suddenly, she looked extremely tired. "I still can't believe this happened." She paused, looking at each one of us. Her gaze lingered on Lissa. "I hope you realize that if we can prove that he isn't Strigoi, this will be a breakthrough for us. This may just give us the upper hand in the war against the Strigoi." A calculating look came over her face, but when she met Lissa's stare, her expression grew a little remorseful. "A lot of…experimentation will be done. You'd better be prepared, Vasilisa."

Christian looked outraged. "She's not going to be some sort of guinea pig!" he exclaimed, drawing her close. Lissa tried to shush him but he ignored her. "You can't just _experiment _with her! You're crazy if you think you can!"

The Queen's glare was icy. "I hope you remember who you're talking to, Mr. Ozera. And Vasilisa will do what is necessary for the survival of this race by her own choice." She turned around.

"And what makes you think she'd do it willingly?"

Tatiana didn't skip a beat. "Because I know her." She waved her hand. "You're all dismissed."

* * *

So that was chapter three.

Actually,this chapter wasn't planned. A lot of you were incredulous and shocked at the guardians' callous (and mean) behaviour. Obviously _we _feel like that, after all, it is our beloved Dimka. And not just our Dimka, but a baby Dimka. (aaawwwww) so we all feel outraged. But I wanted to show that the guardian's behavious isn't cruel without reason. They do have a right to be cautious around Dimitri (as Rose has already said)

Anyway,thanks for the reviews, guys. :)

And I'm planning on updating the next chapter by Saturday. Spoiler alert - Someone we're not fond of will be making an appearance, and I'm afraid that person's going to stay for the whole story. Any guesses? (But I think this is pretty obvious.)


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